Journey Over Water: Nautical Horoscopes

July Overview

There's an excellent chance that you'll travel over water this month. There are blue skies ahead in your outlook, except for when it will be raining, or gloomy. Or nighttime.

There's every likelihood that you'll speak to a man in uniform in the coming weeks. There's exactly the same likelihood that he will be a bossy git. Anyone would think it's his job to tell you what to do.

Relationships will be under strain, this month. There are plenty more fish in the sea. Unless you are in the Med, in which case they're all dead, or the Pacific, in which case they're radioactive. Good luck. Suggest finding someone in every port. 

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CAPRICORN: Mein Goat! Plotting a mutiny are we dear Capricorn?  Eyeing up the 4 stripes?  Think you can do it better do you? Typical.  Luckily for our fearless leader (watery, wimpy Aquarius), you play the long game. After all, to do this mutiny thing properly you'll have to write business plans and get some goal charts done up and memorised. (I've heard that the Virgo has a laminator.) There's a lot of preparation that goes into a good mutiny, but fear not! Keep visualising yourself at the helm of life, you'll get there one day.  By which stage, the captain will be long-dead and the rest of us retired and living in Boca Raton playing bingo and boring everyone rigid with stories about how we used to work on superyachts.  Good luck though.

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AQUARIUS: You'll feel like you've got nowhere to hide this month, dear Aquarius. Right you are too: there's already two hungover stews in the master cabin closet who think they're in Narnia, and the bilges are full of snoring engineers holding spanners in case someone comes looking.  Why are they hiding, you ask?  It's because it's water-delivery time, and they think (quite rightly), that as your sign is the water bearer, that the responsibility for carrying all those boxes of Evian rests with you. It's your destiny, and it wouldn't be right to get in the way of that.  Anwyay, it's excellent exercise, and you might even find it inspirational.  Just ask Adam Sandler. 

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PISCES: Are you feeling like a piranha today Pisces, or a blob-fish? (photo left). I'm guessing the latter, because you're looking a bit gutted. It might feel like you're trying to fit a square peg in a round hole this month- it would be better for everyone if you just went out and bought some new tupperware with matching lids.  What is happening with the Tupperware? I blame the Scorpio.  Been trying to get his own back on the Pisces stews since he tried to sting one of you with his tail and you refused.  Tell him he's dreaming (although that's normally your speciality).

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ARIES:  When you're up, you're up, aren't you, dear, attention-seeking Aries. And when you're down, you're a right pain in the starboard generator. This July you'll feel like life has lost its sparkle and polish. So get out the Starbrite and show me what you're working with. What, don't feel like following my orders? You never do, you rambunctious ram.  You think you're the leader here don't you, you power-tripping goon.  I've seen you dress up at night in the captain's uniform, doing a bit of 'role play' in the bridge.

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TAURUS: Feeling a bit battered today, Bull? Tell me all about it. Zzzzz. Wait. Stop. I fell asleep. I don't mean to say that you're boring, merely that you don't really say much. Which is also boring (recommend moving to engineering department, where everyone is perfectly happy not to talk to each other, or anyone else.) Don't change just to please us though Taurus. I say that, because I know you won't anyway, you stubborn old bovine. Mooooo. All I can say to you, dear bull, is that when life gives you sh*t, make manure.

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GEMINI: You may feel as if you're always preparting for a disaster, Gemini. No wonder you're so moody when at any moment your house could be hijacked, or sink, or catch fire. It's just a wonder that nobody else sees the danger, despite the fact you haven't stopped talking about it in months (and don't intend to any time soon, given the glorious sound of your own voice.) It's hard to know how you should act if the pirates attack though, isn't it.  Should you behave sweet and vulnerable so they pity you, or hard-assed and uncaring so they know not to mess with you? Here's an idea: how about you practice both your techniques on your crewmembers in ever-alternating cycles and see which one works out in the long run.  

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CANCER: The seaweed is always greener, the sea is always bluer with you, isn't it crabby Cancerian.  Grumping around the crew mess heaving sighs that could sink the Titanic. That's not grass though on the sundeck, it's Astroturf, and the blue sea only looks that way because of those ridiculous tinted sunglasses you wear.  It's actually overcast, the day is dull and the rolling sea is full of jellyfish. The dryer door keeps smacking me in the head and the guests are apoplectic with rage that the sun is not shining.  I feel sick.  Now you've made me moody too. Everything's ruined.  And the Titanic is at the bottom of the Atlantic.  Good one, Cancer.

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LEO: You'll feel like you're being spanked with the hairbrush of life today, dear Leo.  Which is sad, as you and your hairbrush normally share an unusually strong bond. It seems like every time you climb the big waterslide of life, you only have to take the damn thing down again because the guests want to move the boat to the other side of the same goddamn bay because they think there might be less jellyfish/seaweed/sharks there.  Same bay, nimwits. 

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VIRGO: You may feel like you are pushing dust in circles today, dear Virgo.  But let's face it, you like that kind of thing, you anal retentive loonbag. Look at you there, with your checklist and highlighter and fussy little face. Your laminator may well be given the float test  this month by an angry mob of deckhands who are sick to death of the laminated notes in the crew mess telling them how to do everything other than breathe.  Although  there is that 'voluntary' yoga class on the sundeck on Wednesdays where you'll tell them how to do that too, while assuming the downward dog. That's all you're looking for isn't it, poor misunderstood Virgo. Total submission.

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LIBRA:  You will be putting your hands in the wet varnish of life today, dear Libra. Some might say that you are leaving your mark, others might say, 'Get the hell away from the capping rail you cretin, did you not listen to me 2 seconds ago when I warned you the paint was wet? Of course you didn't,  with your head full of bounce cloths and adhesive remover, thinking about your next outfit.  Oh no, that's fine, just run away- leave me to clean up the mess. Flighty little tosspot.'  Ah Libra, you may mean well, but you really need to get it together. You can start with that ridiculous academic gown you're wearing in this picutre.  You work on a boat. 

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SCORPIO: You'd best have your radar on full alert today, Scorpio, as you'll feel like you've slipped your anchor.  Things just haven't been right around here since that scaly Pisces turned you down.  Brain of a goldfish, how dare she? Plot, plot madly: vindication will be yours. The tupperware strategy is an excellent start, but there's a long way to go. I know, dress her up in tinfoil and get her to calibrate the radar.  Send her to the engine room for a long weight.  Put a scorpion in her bed. Oh wait. Tried that.  When at first you don't succeed...

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SAGITARIUS:  You'll feel like everything is on a checklist today, dear Sag.  You wouldn't be at all surprised if someone asked you to tick off how many bags of rubbish you took to the bin. What's this?  A garbage checklist from the IMO?  Of course it is. Does it have to be in triplicate and to be mailed to no less than 86 government bodies?  You should have seen that coming.  Life seems to have no meaning this month.  You are no longer the centre of attention, and here, at anchor off Cap Ferrat for the 7th week running, it feels as if the world has forgotten you. It has. 

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Mystic Morgs is a Virgo ex-stewardess who escaped laminator hypnosis to pursue a career making up star signs. Like all good astrologers, she a) doesn't believe in horoscopes and b) writes them slightly sozzled.  If some of these star signs seem more cruel than others, then just put that down to waning levels of inspiration and possibly some grudges against ex-boyfriends. 

*Image credits: 
Goat Boat by Alexandra Artegis,
XeoHelios via DeviantART ,
Berezina via Shutterstock
Alekseiveprev via Shutterstock,
lukellenroc via DeviantARTFlickr/Mike Miley (CC 2.0)
Flizzick via DeviantART
Jena Velour via Shutterstock
Flickr/Passukara76 (CC 2.0)
Flizzick via DeviantART